Black and Blue

Homegoing Ceremony

April 10, 2016 Black and Blue, blogging

“Do you ever feel sad that you can’t really trace your history back to like, a country or something?” This was a question asked of me by a young man of 22, the child of two immigrants. “I mean, I can trace back to where my family is from for 500 years in two different countries.” It was a difficult question to be asked, and even more difficult to field in an unfortunately named Mexican restaurant which I highly suspect is notRead More

The Conundrum of Praise

April 5, 2016 Black and Blue, blogging

I’ve recently run into a sort of inhibiting mindset where my aspirations are concerned, and it works pretty closely with social media. Every day, from the time I open a Google window to my first (of unfortunately many) Facebook feed scrolls, I interact with a variety of articles regarding accomplishments of folks around the world–often younger than me, often far more talented/smart/autodidactic/ambitious/etc. I know one of the ways that my brain wreaks havoc on my life is through incessant comparisons to others,Read More

Fear and the Terror of Movement

March 15, 2016 Black and Blue, blogging

TW: depression I’ve been saying that 2016 feels like my year–I’m getting out of this shithole, I’m going somewhere I want to be, I’m pursuing my interests and what I want to be doing more authentically. I published my first book, did my first solo performance in five years, was accepted with full funding (!!!) to grad school. And yet. I spent a week of this month in an inpatient facility, trying not to die. The place was oddly reminiscent of theRead More

Short-Term Memory Loss

November 10, 2015 Black and Blue

TW: Depression, suicide. Call someone. Even Sad Brain can’t yet overcome my natural inclination toward self-preservation. But Sad Brain did convince me to write this note. She’s a bully, and she’s been in my head all night. You should call someone. Healthy Brain, doing her best. I walk out to the living room, careful not to wake Loverfriend–now just friend, Sad Brain cackles. You just want attention, she hisses even as I navigate away from the memo section of my phone and Google the hotlineRead More

“Into the Arms of the Cosmic All”

August 24, 2015 Black and Blue

Loverfriend and I trudged through the wet warm of the Southern summer night. Well, morning, really–it was 3 AM by that point, but darkness still dampened our tightly clasped hands. I wore a goofy-ass headlight because I’m still reveling in the joys of head accessories now that my hair is short. I downloaded a compass app like we were going on some tortuous journey. We were actually just headed into a local forest to check out the Perseids, and to ask the starsRead More


August 6, 2015 Black and Blue, Poetry

If you ever asked me, I would tell you that choice really looks like the family I spent my first Christmas with, the ones who bickered in front of me without the “in-house business in-house” political sinkholes of my own upbringing.

I Can’t Configure the Reason

July 31, 2015 Black and Blue, Poetry

I can’t configure the reason my brain has vaunted against my body, issued an iciness into first the left lung, then the right, all I know is I’m sick of quivering whether I’m touching you or not, of ONETOTENTELLUSYOURANXIETYLEVELTODAY


July 31, 2015 Black and Blue, Poetry

I want to pass into you. The charcoal strands of your hair spilling over the nape of your neck, the friendly curve of your ear and the way that silver necklace pours into it when you roll onto your side,

Sweating Out the Fever

July 27, 2015 Black and Blue

The bed is most damp in the center, where I’ve repeatedly flopped from stomach onto back and back again. The topmost blanket still manages to be sufficiently garish despite the fact that its red is now more of a salmon, and one of the eyes of the 101 dalmatians emblazoned across its front has faded to threads. My mom opens the door periodically to see how I’m doing, rests a dry backhand on my forehead, rubs my shoulders and asksRead More

Black and Blue: Musings on Mental Health

July 23, 2015 Black and Blue

When I invited myself back into the blogosphere, I didn’t really expect for this site to become kind of a catch-all for what’s going on in my life, but here we are. I’ve been thinking pretty extensively about mental health, about the messages we receive when we happen to be both black and burdened with the weight of sadness in our bones, and about what it’s going to take to get me through the next year. It’s a struggle thatRead More